ELEC-TRICK-ALS AND ELECT-WRONG-ICS

I may sound like an old woman unable to change with the times, but let me tell you one thing. I cannot understand some technology. I just don’t get it.

Even though I think I got a head start on it. We got our first computer a ZX Spectrum, way back in 1987, I think. It was a nice black keyboard, and my father thought it would be a useful thing in future. And man, was he ever right!

All I could do with the manual that came with it was make my name appear endlessly on the screen- of course I soon graduated to saying stupid things including swear words and general instructions (“Make this stop if you can”). My brother was a pro, and to prove it, he had a program that he saved and kept working on everyday.

To prove he was real, he would look puzzled, stare at the screen from time to time and make elaborate calculations in a long notebook (my sister and I seriously suspected it was his daily expenses account, which would also explain his puzzlement)! He was writing something in “machine code”, a game, he would later divulge, which used the hexadecimal notation, and all that eventually led to, as far as I can see, was his becoming something of a world expert in the 16s table.

We, of course never got to play the game, though the manual that came with the instructions came with wonderful diagrams of the dragons that the program would create. Inexplicably, my brother took matters into his own hands, and eventually became somewhat of a good cartoonist!

And the games we played, we had to feed in with a regular tape recorder. It would play high pitched beepy noises while loading into the computer, making us wonder if it was indeed an audio tape of S. Janaki’s songs! There was a game where the player had to guide a robot to safety, and it looked like it could never be done.

I was at the lowest rung, my sister was a bit better than me, but my hero was my brother! He had not only rescued the little robot to safety, he was bored because he had done it too many times!

(I sometimes think that the fascination that a computer game holds to a player is the same as sex holds to an adolescent mind, it's the unknown that interests them so!)

10 years later.
I’m sitting in my room in the apartment I share with my roommate who is a tech buff, or so I think. She walks near me, at the exact second that I have thought of her volume as being a bit too high. What are you saying, she says, looking at me. I’m baffled. Nothing, I mumble, thinking perhaps something slipped out of my tongue.
Why are you doing this, she continues. I don’t know what to say, as I was just wincing at her high voice again. Thought some expressions showed, and mumbled an apology, saying, “But you are a bit loud, you know!”

Her voice, which has been steadily increasing in volume and pitch, has now reached a crescendo. “I don’t care,” she screeches and then pokes her ear. I am flabbergasted. What am I gonna say for that?

She slowly retrieves something from her ear. No wonder she speaks so loud, I think, envisioning a future where voices are no more than 90 dB, where flowers are all yellow and purple, and my hair never needs to be combed (that’s my least favorite activity)! Poor thing, that must really hurt, having a blockage in your ear.

She then turns to me and smiles. Hi, she says, at the very instant I recognize the dark goo from her ear to be an earphone for her cell phone. OK. So this conversation never happened? I was shaken from my thoughts by a good old, “Arre, you know what happened yesterday?” in a soprano that had me clutching my juice glass and covering it with a blanket.

Anyways, after that, I only responded to her when the sentence was prefixed by my name, but I had to listen to her every word anyways. So flowers are still in all colours except green, and I still need to comb my hair.

Well, in my defense, I am far ahead of people in things like chatting and installing an uninstalling a program. So I thought I was getting there, when I encountered another technology that seemed very benevolent, to everyone else at least.

I was a reporter and had to set up an interview. So I get an email giving me a “bridge number” to dial into, and a password.

Now again I might seem like an old maid, but I am used to interviewing people face to face. Phone conversations freak me out most of the time- I guess I think people will soften on seeing my innocent face if I screw up, but in a phone conversation, they only have my not-so-sweet voice to go by.

Anyways, the word “Bridge number” seemed awfully technical, and I immediately called my husband for help. He assured me it was just a toll free number, and the password was just something to route you to the exact conference. Emboldened by his kind words, I dialed in at the appropriate time, and I suppose I was early for the “interview”. The automated machine asked me if I was the leader of the conference.

I thought about that for a while. Was I really? Or was the PR person really the leader, is a journalist ever the leader, or do they just get bullied around by the PR types and the newsmakers? Intense philosophical thoughts emerged from the one message. Anyways, I just stalled and it asked me for the password. It seemed horrible like a frat meeting. (You’re asked a password before you enter, and I guess people ask you if you’re the leader too, cos they’re too drunk to recognize anybody)!

After a minute or so, the others dialed in, and were all introducing themselves. Now, I also like to visualize people when I’m talking to them. So, here I was, trying to put a face on each of the faces, while talking to them and also trying to sound intelligent. Just too much, I say!

To add to it all was the PR person who, I was sure, was recording this conversation for legal matters as well. So, between trying to transcribe everything accurately, and being nice, and all the faces floating at me through the single phone line, I was distraught.

I had to ask all possible questions, because I could not run into this situation again, ever!

It went pretty well, until the next day I receive an email from my editor about a story, and on following up, I get a message with another number and a password.


There are some technologies I think are just hype- like something called Bluetooth. I think it’s wireless, and I’m sure it’s more complicated than that, but you should hear people talk like that is something totally imperative in their lives. We were shopping for a cell phone, and a friend says, Oh! But get a cell phone with Bluetooth!” C’mon, we’re getting a cell phone at a time when its status has gone way up there with food, water and shelter- think we’re really tech savvy?
And read this page about why it’s called Bluetooth (to scare little kids away?)

While we’re on the latest rage, let’s talk about digital cameras please. Being a student of television technology makes people think I know a bit about digital cameras and things. I do, but digital cameras are really hard to keep up with. Of course, people don’t always realize that, and it’s one of things where almost everyone always has an opinion. And some people use terms like resolution, megapixels and in extreme cases, even “boogeyman” to scare people off digital cameras.

I constantly use the first two words to wriggle my way out of any technical debate. “So the resolution and color enhancement might be good, but you should also think of the reproduction quality”- you know, things like that. If only my parents had thought of that!

Till another day!